If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
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Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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