i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.