Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
