My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We got so high we made milksteak
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
