God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
