I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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