Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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