Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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