Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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