if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
