He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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