my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Couch. On fire.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
