Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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