Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.