meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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