: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
