i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
