Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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