i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
