i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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