Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
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Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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