Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.