I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?