I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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