Duck Duck Cougar?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
