Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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