yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
