i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day