Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
