The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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