remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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