i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
