I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.