I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Boobs are out for the taking
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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