I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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