Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
