a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
