WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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