You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
