I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!