White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes