It was confusing and full of hummus
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.