I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting