Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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