"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
