Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
