just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
