I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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