For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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