Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
