My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck appropriateness.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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