Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
