you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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